Active Listening

The art of listening is work. It needs to be nurtured and honed by the people engaging in the activity. At times we all have not given our full attention to those we have conversations with, whether it be a family member, friend, co-worker, your mail person, etc. For me, this is something I’ve had to consciously work on for years and still it’s a work in progress, not because I don’t care what’s coming out of the mouth of whom is in conversation with me, but because my mind is busy. I can be in the middle of conversing with someone and have 20 other thoughts in the midst of it. Some of it is nonsense like, “do I need to get more apples from the store?” or it could be a worthwhile thought “(insert friend name) is really good at design, maybe xyz can use their services to work on their website layout.” Honestly random thoughts pop in and out and I have a hard time just kicking them away, but like I said it’s a work in progress and I’ve gotten much better- yoga and meditation are constants.

One thing I can say for myself is that I do not “fake listen” aka saying “mmm” or “ok, wow” to someone while they are speaking just to pretend I’m all there. Ok ok, I’ve done it a few times, only because I wasn’t a fan of the person talking. But overall it’s not good to do this. Neither is a person asking you a question and then answering it for you before you open your mouth. For instance “Hey, how’s it going, good?”, mind you the other person didn’t even have the opportunity to answer and now may feel obliged to agree it’s going good when it actually may not be how they feel- give them a beat. We must be patient enough to wait a few seconds for the other person to answer because if you don’t it comes off as if you don’t care or have the capacity to listen to their response- since you already answered it for them.

So, as we are in the early days of 2019, let’s retire “fake listening” and “automated responses” and work on being more present in the present. Put your phone down, look into the persons eyes or face (if you have a hard time with eye contact), stop scrolling if it’s a phone conversation and be conscious of the thoughts that come into your mind. Don’t get angry at these thoughts, just kindly push them aside for the moment. There are many aspects of ourselves that will be in workshop for the rest of our lives, the least we can do is take each opportunity given to be better than the last. In what ways will you be practicing active listening? Also, what are some of the thoughts that pop into your head? Share and let’s discuss, I promise I’ll be in the moment of listening.

Enough said... 

The Art of Saying No and Not Caring

I use to say yes to everything. I was afraid people wouldn’t like me if I didn’t. It was important at the time to want to be liked and asked for things. You need me to do a marketing presentation for you to present to your job with my ideas that you’ll pass as your own? Sure. You need me to take time out of my day to think of venues and give you connects before the end of your day? I got it. You’d like me to get you into events or better yet find you a job? Umm, ok I’d be happy to. It literally got to a point where I’d stress myself out over the pressure I’d put on myself from doing all these “favors”. I allowed people to take advantage of me, take my kindness and run with it. I mean what am I, a masochist? Why would I do this to myself? But that was back then and this is now.

The most interesting thing was all of the “favor askers” would usually start a convo with: “hey how are you? Would you be able to”...or not even a greeting or pretending to care to ask about my well being, they'd jump right into whatever they needed. Rashawn once told me, just say “no”. What? No? What does that mean? What would people think if I said no? They’d hate me. They’d throw stones at me. But I was tired of complaining to her or Orande about it, so one day I said no. And guess what? The world didn’t end. Then I got “no” happy. I’d say no to everything. No, I’m not going to spend my day helping you move. No, I’m not going to connect you with an old boss I had from 15 years ago that I haven’t spoken to. No, I’m not going to meet you two hours out of my way because it’s better for you. No is one of the best words in vocabulary. So simple. Two letters. I began to care less and less of who is mad that I said it too. Saying no eliminated them from my life and it’s been easy like Sunday morning since.

Don’t get me wrong, balance is necessary in life, I still say yes, but only to those that actually love and care for me. I have grown to realize who is here for me just because I am me and not for what I can do for them. I didn’t know my worth then, but I learned. I’m sharing all of this with you because I’d like to be an example of the rabbit hole you might go down if you are out here surrounded by parasites without bug spray. Protect your energy and who you give it to. Qilah and Orande both told me the same phrase relating to these issues and it was: “who cares, f#*% ‘em”. You won’t have to think long on who these bugs are in your life, they make themselves known. Just make sure you are armed and ready to stomp them out.

Doctor Seuss always comes through with a message. Stay armed and crush those bugs.